Posted by For legal purposes, I can’t actually recommend this to anyone. Nor have I done it. And the science behind it is a bit shaky. And by science I mean astrology. Also, reports keep coming in that the South American governments are banning it. Trust me, I know. But on the other hand, this may well be the greatest advancement in weight loss hokum this generation of under-entitled, over-achieving patriots has ever heard.
Before we begin and you are required to purchase a number of urgent limited-offer gaurantees, be forewarned:
- This article will hook you with enticing descriptors like “cutting edge” and “sexier than a moose” and “so natural you’d think it’s dirt without the preservatives.”
- The harder you believe, the better it works!
- Many very much good points of soundly and logical!
Okay, and now we’re ready.
1) Free Your Mind
Forget everything you think you know about weight loss. It’s wrong. I know you’ve been told that before. So forget everything you forgot about weight loss, and allow me paint your clean mental canvas so full of wisdom nuggets that your brain explodes into a thousand showers of idea sparks.
2) Approach Workouts Differently
Since you aren’t as smart as me, let me explain the chemistry sciences in a way you can understand: the greatest enemy to waist loss (that’s what we in the workout profession call weight loss) is the oxidation of carbon atoms leading to the hyper-elasticity of hydrogen in your body. This is what causes sweat. Have you ever noticed how sweat and tears taste similar? That’s right! They’re both for losers! In my program, you’ll need to avoid both. So go ahead and bottle up those feelings as tight as your buttocks!
3) Diet Riot
You may have heard from other diet trends that certain foods reduce the free radicals in your body. But what they don’t tell you, is those little wahoos running around don’t actually terrorize your cells, they energize them the way lightening energizes forest fires. We’re talking a lot of energy! So what you’ll be doing in our program is harnessing the free radicals to work for you. We basically take fundamental Marxist philosophies on revolution and apply it to our expensive smoothy recipes.
8) Spend All Your Money
We’re going to skip ahead a little for the strong conclusion so we can get to the money making and shaking party. This program is going to take A LOT of money. Most of you wont’ be able to afford it without going into debt. But it’s totally worth it. Remember: you may not be able to buy happiness, but you can certainly buy yourself into tighter more expensive pants!