Posted by The vast interwebs are filled with unsolicited advisories on nearly an umpteenth-and-a-half ways to make money. Sometimes even FREE money. As if there is such a thing. (Editor’s note: wait, seriously? Is there such a thing?) But alas, those congested byways of financial adventure all lead to the same place. Ruin and devastation. Or, at the very least, a hard day’s work and mental blisters. No thank you. Not for me, misters and sisters!
So instead, I’m going to invite you on a journey down the bike lane less traveled. The topic that nobody seems willing to address. How to spend, or invest or whatever, a large amount of money when you have very little time to do it?! The path of least resistance always has the fewest splinters.
To start, let me walk you through a few scenarios so you will know what to do when you must face them, daunted and alone. And as a side note, remember to avoid the allure of financial advisers advocating investment plans with 3 bullets points: not only is that very complicated, but it’s also illegal. Send those Pyramid schemes back to China where they belong!
Cash All Your Money In For Gold
Scenario 1: You find yourself lugging around a cool 100 grand after the banks have already closed for the night. What do you do?
Sure, you could put it in your mattress and sleep on it. But not if you have plans later and already spent the afternoon hard at work on your hair! This is where a neighborhood store of locally-sourced jewelry can really help you out. I’m talking about putting your money in gold. Stocks, bonds, and Roth and his little team of IRAs are not going to make you look fly as dope at the club come 4am Sunday.
This is where the idea of practical investments come from. It’s something that you can use WHILE your shiny nest egg accrues that sweet C-note bacon. And, as an added bonus, it’s been theorized by some very smart Lithuanian researchers that in humid environments gold naturally absorbs particles from the air increasing its mass!
Impossible to Regret Feeling That Sexy
Scenario 2: Aunt Irma comes to you in a real bind. Her divorce is about to be finalized and she has some number of assets to move before her stinking cheat of husband manpockets them all. Most people in this situation would spring for a boat. The romantic charm of the sea with it’s convoluted maritime laws of anything goes on international waters if you talk like a pirate can be a real draw.
But ships sink, and any boat worth having these days is going to be so full of navigational equipment that you’ll be GPS tracked straight through the dawn. Think about it. If you can’t uninstall some of the apps on your $700 dollar hand-me-down smart phone, how are you going to deal with disabling navigation beacons on a 3 million dollar yacht?
Do the smart thing. Put that GPS to good use and direct yourself right down to the nearest corner jewelry outlet, and buy those gold diamond bracelets you fancy. It’s biologically impossible to regret feeling that sexy. And remember: the really heavy necklaces will give your neck that toned look you’ve always wanted!
The Ryan Gosling Fantasy
Scenario 3: Your wild Ryan Gosling dream comes true! You know, the one where he asks you to pet-sit his pair of identical Lebanese Mountain Poodles, and during one of your routine walks you get hit by a speeding Mercedes and score some serious insurance skrilla cheese money.
Now don’t to freak out just yet, but you got yourself a serious opportunity! Do you want to create trust funds for the babies you’ll probably never have, or do you want to finally start listening to that Dr. Cheriman Oswald Walton Jr. and learn to live in the moment?! Boom. Honey, it’s time to lay that cash down for those silver diamond gold nuggets!!