Posted by This list is not many things. It is not comprehensive. It is not a methodology for becoming a mysteriously charming date virtuoso. It will not give you suave sophistication, or even a garden-variety sophistication. It will, however, give you one of the not worst nights of your life. And that, my friend, has got to count for something.
Words to the wise: I once read that eating a whole bunch of cherry pits can be mildly hallucinogenic. Turns out, severe constipation has a similar effect! What I’m trying to say is that perseverance and high doses of enthusiasm can often make up for inexperience.
This list pairs well with a 4 course dinner and a nice, below average bottle of wine.
- A good date is a dangerous road riddled with steep ditches and deep itches. Stray too far and you’ll be perceived boorish and pedantic. Wander a few feet the other way, and you’ll wind up the dreaded ogre of ego.
- When all else fails, remember: it is better to be confusing than wrong. But even better to be cuddly.
- Talking too much is a sure quick-fire way to ruin an evening (well, that and tucking the tablecloth into your pants and forgetting about it). So every now and again just remember to end your sentence with a question mark and thoughtfully stare at the ceiling
- What to do with your hands? This is the worst. Statistics show that 1-in-7 dates never make it to date #2 because of awkward hand syndrome. No one wants to date you with those floppy sausage fingers dangling every which way like so-many-day-old sea-basses. Keep ’em hidden and to yourself!
- It’s all in the nose. If you smell nice, you’re further ahead than most. But leave the expensive exotic scents at home. What you want is to strike a balance of familiar and mysterious. A scent that’ll keep ’em up at night AND make them feel like they’ve known you their entire life. A faint memory from childhood with a splash of grandiose adventure. Nothing a little playdough, pinecones, and rubbing alcohol can’t handle!
- You know the old adage. One solid British phrase will get you further than 7 moderately good Argentinian ones. Don’t overdo it on the exotic; you want classy with only so many dashes of intrigue.
- You get 1 point if you freshen your breath before going in for the kiss. 2 points for timing and sensitivity. And 3 points if you don’t mash your lips like a walrus.
- If your backup plan isn’t a puppy, you’ve already failed.