Posted by Want to know a secret to life that’s straight out of the magical lock box of success? Combination is set to BOSS (2-6-7-7). Here’s my slice of advice!
Look, life is complicated. Times are changing and questions are getting harder and harder. People of yesteryear may have been asking how you could have your cake and eat it too, but this isn’t your grandmother’s philosophical dilemma.
Forget the cake. You’re not ready for the cake! Let’s peel back the layers of whether the cake’s eggs were free-range and concerns about whether that combination of artificial sweetener and gluten-free flour creates a believable cake texture.
Hold your questions regarding swapping certain ingredients out for beets to make the cake paleo, and which decorations a person of your ethnicity may use without engaging in inadvertent cultural appropriation. It’s time to get real, y’all!
Cake is the ultimate symbol of entitlement. Who are you to force everyone you know to perform an annual ceremony of pyrotechnics and singing, all while forcibly extracting some implicit consent to whatever magical and devious wishes you happen to be wishing for in the bowels of your brain?
Blow out the candles and make a wish? Over my dead cat’s favorite hypoallergenic chew toy!! I want to see it in writing, buster. Let’s see an environmental impact study and some transparency in the supply chain. I am more than just a non-voting member on the illegitimate board of your creepy fantasy.
It’s time for this whistle-blower to start tooting for justice. I will not stand idly by as you ceremonially expunge all those tiny flickering flames of freedom. I shall be complicit no longer. Sir, you may play tiddlywinks with the devil on your own time. NO CAKE FOR YOU!!
Calico Sally OUT